Jane Fonda waited fifteen years away from the big screen in order to make her return with Monster-in-Law. She may as well have waited another fifteen, although she may be dead by then. I guess the least we could hope for in that situation would be that her casket could have appeared in a better film than this. And Henry thought Vietnam was bad.

Where to begin with this film? I’m flustered; I don’t know what to say about a film that clearly has no greater motive than to get a legendary star back on screen without shame? For some reason I feel like telling you that the fifth Batman film, Batman Begins is the first film of its kind to actually understand the legend of Batman; boy that was a great flick, one of the year’s best. How about Fever Pitch? Now there is a romantic comedy, sweet and funny yet observant and knowing. Even to see it alone, the film is to feel as though you are spending time with good friends.

And what about Monster-in-Law you ask? Well it’s crap; crap squared maybe; it does waste the talents of two fine actresses. I suppose I could say that it stars Jennifer Lopez as Charlie, a temp who also takes dogs for walks along the beach on the side. It must be in her fate to meet Kevin Fields, a doctor who she bumps into three times in one day. Of course they will fall in love, but not “love” love: movie character love. The kind of love where he can call her and say something like, “Maybe you’d want to walk my dog. No, you can’t do that because I don’t have a dog. What I meant was… maybe you’d want to walk me.” What a charmer.

Regardless, they spend a day on the beach and share a moment where he describes her eyes, which would be sweet had I not seen it in last years darling romantic comedy Win a Date with Tad Hamilton, in which Topher Grace describes how Kate Bosworth has five different smiles. Ironic maybe, that this film was directed by Robert Luketic, that same man who directed Win a Date.

Then there is Jane Fonda. She plays Viola Fields, Kevin’s mother, who has been fired from her daytime talk show in which she used to interview presidents, now she is reduced to young singers who would make Britney Spears look saintly. Viola has just been released from the loony bin and doesn’t take it well when her only son shows up with a new girlfriend. Matters get worse when he proposes and she accepts. This begins Viola’s plan to break the couple up by driving Charlie insane.

So what’s the problem, War of the Roses made good from similar dark material right? The problem is that this film has no greater ambition than slapstick sitcom humor. It’s like a friend who starts with the punch line and then proceeds to explain the joke. There is a scene in which Lopez and Fonda participate in a slapping match, but why? Is there need for two talented people to be on screen slapping each other? It would seem as though the film didn’t think so as the joke simply comes and goes, no build up, no payoff, no humor. It’s as though Luketic is ignoring the fact that they are slapping each other until they simply stop, the way you ignore an annoying neighbor until he goes away. What’s funny about that?

And when there is potential the film doesn’t know what to do with it. Take when Viola throws the couple a wedding party comprised of royalty from all over the world. She introduces Charlie as a temp, but so what? Think of that wickedly funny black comedy the Royal Tenenbaums where Royal always introduces Margot as his adopted daughter. That film was funny because just when we thought it was finding a moment of kindness, it turned sour at the blink of an eye. Monster-in-Law simply comes out swinging. There is nothing funny about Charlie being a temp; the humor should be in how Viola can use this information against her. This is like that Funniest Home Video where the pelican chases away the grizzly bear.

Monster-in-Law is the kind of film that wants to be both lovable and savage, and ends up less than either. It doesn’t have the nerve to be dark and thankless like the War of the Roses was, and yet it doesn’t have the nerve to forget clichés and tap into its inner sweetness like Win a Date with Tad Hamilton did. Which reminds me, Charlie’s horoscope at the beginning of the film is, “don’t look so hard, love is right in front of you.” I conclude that she mustn’t be a Capricorn because my birthday is January 3 and all that was in front of me was this garbage.